Getting Personal

There is a reason why I haven’t updated the blog in such a while… The most recent update is very emotional for me. You’ve probably noticed my entries have been mostly business followed by good news. There is good news… one tumor has gone from 5.9 cm down to 4.6 cm. Also, a few lymph node tumors have disappeared. To me this is huge and remains very good news and has been due to chemo, seeing the group of healers every day, and receiving all of your prayers/positive energy/thoughts. Thank you to all!

Well, the oncologist feels the progress isn’t enough and I need to seek further treatment. The “next step” is MD Anderson. After several appointments with a surgeon, oncologist, radiologist, and speech therapist, the overall consensus is to be determined Thursday (7/2/09) when they all met and discussed my case. Most of them shared their opinion during the initial one-on-one appointments which where two options... Those options were surgery followed by chemo and radiation or radiation and chemo in hopes surgery would not be necessary but it would most likely remain on the table. The very extensive surgery would include a plastic surgeon for reconstruction and a tracheotomy. The only two reasons the surgeon would refuse to do the surgery is if the carotid artery is surrounded by a tumor or if the base of the tongue is overly involved. The carotid artery scenario leaves the patient with a 50%-50% chance of bleeding out on the table. Base of the tongue scenario is a quality of life situation as the base of the tongue involves the muscle which allows you swallow which would leave me bound to the feeding tube I was hoping would be temporary. Plus sign language would be my only option to communicate.

Radiation is not an option in my eyes. It leaves the mouth without function of the salivary glands, which if you ever suffered from dry mouth it sucks on every level! I currently have to deal with it at night… When I lay down either my saliva glands are overactive and I drool or they stop all together and I wake up every couple of hours and have to hold water in my mouth long enough for the tissue to absorb and retain some sort of moisture. If surgery is involved the radiated tissue will not heal properly and healing will be delayed as that is the nature of radiated mucosa.

I originally went to MD Anderson as the surgeon is willing to work with me on the surgery I want being the removal of the lymph nodes that are affected by disease. So it makes sense for me to move to Tomball to be closer to receive treatment, whatever that turns out to be. Two treatment options I don’t believe in that are in “my best interest” and is my “only hope for a cure.” It also makes sense as Chris and I are separated and I really have no other option to stay here in Austin, a place I have grown to love very much. Chris and I have agreed to share custody of Max which is tearing me up inside. I hate the idea of bouncing Max from one town to another. This set up of sharing him as we can has taking a toll on Max. He has been acting out with both Chris and I as well as having days where he is easily upset at school. This whole situation makes me wonder if our three person family is slowly turning into two, two person families with one common son. Some say that’s what’s best for all three of us but I personally feel that Max deserves a loving full-time and full-time loving mom & dad.

Chris and I are polar opposites especially when it comes to raising Max. But that doesn’t change how much a care for Chris and how much I love Austin and my Austinite friends. This is what my friend calls a temporary exile but to me all of this seems too permanent. I want to work things out with Chris and find a balance that works for us. What that means for “us,” I have no idea. My focus right now is my health. Chris has helped me find another working option for my health in Essiac Tea. It has proven results in cancer patients. A good friend of mine who is also a part of the healing group and a nutritionist to boot has found an Essiac extract at an Austin-local store. The tea is a long process to make which Chris found out first hand but the recipe makes quite a bit. This 4th round of chemo (starting tomorrow, 7/6/09) I will have more things in my corner with the healers, the tea, and several books to help guide me to center my energy to whole health over the entirety of my life, however long that maybe.

I am trying to overcome a lot of hurt and anger in my life. The reason I am bringing this up in the blog is so you all know I am learning to be a new person. How I was living my life and letting certain things affect me has a lot to do with why and how I developed cancer. Yes, genetic predisposition has some to do with my health, but if you think about that, we all have the genetic chance to develop cancer. I am trying to forgive Chris and to forgive myself in how we have destroyed our once healthy but very brief loving balance. We have done and said things we both regret and we put Max through some pretty hellish situations but at least we are addressing the situation by trying a change.

I am also trying to get over the very deep hurt from my mother-in-law. She said very publically that I have never wanted to be a mother and have no idea how to handle motherhood. I gave her several chances to explain herself because I feel if she could so openly say that which such conviction, something about me has to change. I want to change whatever that trait/characteristic is because I don’t ever want Max to feel like he is anything other than the ray of hope he brings me every day. He is why I am seeking out every option with 100% effort to become cancer free. If any of you reading this can shed some light on Teena’s statement, I would be much obliged to the corrective criticism. I know every parent has their moment where their cute little two-year-old/three-year-old shouts out a dirty word in public much to the parents’ chagrin, or the no-yes-no-wants go on for a fourth round and becomes a bit more than draining. I would assume Teena meant something more than that so if any of you have an inkling, please let me know. I want to be the mother Max deserves.

I do want to end this blog on a high note which will be about my mom. She has been such a trouper through all of this. She has spent several nights with me catching what view Z’s one can in the chair beside my hospital bed. She has summoned nurses to my room like no other when my body has forsaken me at both ends (how timely!). She took part in many drug related rants I went on and gracefully shushed me upon anyone’s arrival as to not further embarrass myself past the giggling nurses and aids. My mom and I have been able to look at this time as a blessing to grow our relationship. And as most of you know this is a relationship I have always wanted but never thought I would be able to have. For her I am truly thankful. I honestly don’t know if I could make it through all this mess without her and her crazy organization. She keeps time of all meds, crushes and even administers them if I am asleep away from the hospital to get me those few precious uninterrupted moments of slumber. My mom has become my right hand and my best friend. She has let me cry on her shoulder, listen to my what seem to be never ending rants while tossing in her two to ten cents along the way, and she has rallied me through the last hours of chemo drips. I am forever thankful for her role in this very sticky situation life has me in currently. She is an amazing woman, the kind of mother I hope to be for Max.