So the update is my digestive system is still not working properly and I continue to be on IV nutrition. They have bumped up my tube feeding to 20ml’s per hour (15ml = 1Tbs) and I have had low residuals. This is good news! My digestive system is showing signs of wanting to work… I’m even beginning to have hunger pangs. I’ve been hungry for what feels like forever but it was more the sensation of chewing and tasting along with the entertainment value it provides.
***
What I don’t understand is what sense does it make that I would start another round of chemo if my gut isn’t fully working? I realize I am getting adequate nutrition from an IV but I can’t even process my tube feedings. Why the hell did I get a gastric peg if I can’t even use it for what it was intended? To me there are so many Red Flags… Call me crazy but if my entire digestive system isn’t working, that’s an issue. There are so many side effects to chemo and this could very well be one of them. I’ve been told my intestines not working is most likely due to being malnourished for such a long time. That pushes the question even more, why would I put my already dysfunction-ing body through such a toxic experiment? Last round was successful in the eye’s of the doctor. The tumor in my neck has decreased by about 25-30% and the tumor in my tongue is literally half its size! That’s great news, but I have a rash on my chest and neck that won’t seem to go away, constant diarrhea, a stomach that won’t processes food of any kind, a constant level of fatigue and sleepiness I can’t seem to conquer, frequent if not consistent nausea that I’m sure all has some to do with different the medication I’m on, and the list goes on and on. In spite of all this, the doctor is hopeful the chemo plan will be very successful. Is she as hopeful as she was about me getting out of the hospital a week ago, or this weekend? It’s hard to put trust in a physician that seems to build hope just to keep me in her idea of the correct program. Promising hope every couple days that I will be able to go home only to hear that I will be kept in the hospital through my next round of chemo doesn’t exactly help build my confidence in her or the system.
I am looking for and fervently seeking out what is in my highest Good. Not just what will keep me alive or what treatment option will make everyone happy, but the highest good for the existence of my soul. Have I learned my lesson? Do I get to enjoy this life now that I’ve learned how to live? Surely there is an answer… One more right than the other. I wish there was a clear cut road ahead of me… I want so much for the pathway to my healing to be living an organic lifestyle with only natural healing energy as the source of my health, but I am seeing the results with chemotherapy. The now results will cost me much down the road. Nobody seems to want to confront those issues. Just like I didn’t want to see or admit that the cancer in my body has been the pathway to my healing… bringing me closer to my whole health. One day I will be thankful to have had this experience. Right now, I just want an answer.
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I wish I had an answer for you.
ReplyDeleteI believe that God is Infinite Love.
I believe that you are Love's beloved daughter.
I believe the reality we experience now is but a drop of Truth. I know you are radiant in your wholeness. This experience is like a passing cloud, a fleeting effort for you to grow and flourish.
You are a warrior bunny.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
"You have come here to find
what you already have."
-Buddha
You have already found the answer.
ReplyDeleteYes, chemo is a harsh poison, but you have to believe that it will work. If your body/mind doesn't "accept" that it will cure you, you are only fighting the cure. I know that you feel like you could have been more physically ready for it, but now that you're doing it, you are on the path. Andrew Weil says that ALL healing happens from within - treatment comes from the outside, and removes barriers/obstacles to healing, but it does not "heal" in and of itself... Here's a quote I saw today: "Your life is not written in the stars, nor is it written in the palm of your hand. It is written in your heart" (Jinwon). Your spiritual journey is now underway - it's time to focus on yourself and receiving all of the support that you need. See you soon.
"The cancer in my body has been the pathway to my healing… bringing me closer to my whole health."
ReplyDeleteThe most important healing is well underway - the healing of your mind and spirit. Your body will naturally follow.
The fact that you can clearly state your growth out of a bad situation is proof that you are definitely on the right track.
The lotus of a brand new Alisa is growing out of the mud of the cancer situation.
:)
Love,
~ Will